Sometimes all I can do is laugh. Sometimes cry, and sometimes scream at the world. Not because of what Bipolar Disorder does to me, but because of what it does to my family. What it causes for my family. The sacrifices, the coping they have to do. Chuck said without my meds I'm a total psycho. Could you imagine what life was like for them post March 2011? No, you probably can't. Some understand, but most do not.
Sometimes I'm a peach. Sometimes a bitch, and sometimes the devil. Not because of anything anyone has done, but be because of what something is doing to me. What it makes me think and feel. The weakness, the helplessness I go through every day of my life. Without my meds I'm a total psycho. Could you imagine what life is like for me any day of the week? No, you probably can't. Some understand, most do not.
On any given day, my dishes might be piled to the ceiling. My laundry, clean and dirty, might be mountains. My house might be a complete disaster. Either my mood is too high for me to focus on a simple task, or it's too low for me to care.
Can you imagine people seeing your messy house and you know they assume you're lazy?
Can you imagine taking pills you hate to take? Pills that make you feel unsafe to drive a car. Pills that make you gain astronomical amounts of weight.
Can you imagine trying to cope with the fact that you are mentally ill, what with the social stigma that comes with that label?
Can you imagine not sleeping for 10 days, because you can't?
Can you imagine not being able to even feed your family because you unable to pick up your head?
Can you imagine a simple happy moment causing an overload of joy?
Can you imagine a simple annoyance causing fits of ugly rage?
Can you imagine what something devastating causes thinking about what those simple things do?
Can you imagine how it's like for me, to feel sorrow and have people compare my feelings to theirs rather than troubling themselves to lend an ear?
Can you imagine living in a world where people just don't fucking get it?
Some can, but most of you can't.
It made me feel better to write this, so feel free to share it. Especially if you know someone who would feel good knowing they aren't alone. Some folks aren't open because they are afraid to be. They are afraid of a social stigma. They are afraid because most people don't know.
Most people think we're either trying to be "fashionable", experiencing simple mood swings, or are completely off of our rockers. That is a sign of being uninformed or worse, ignorant. Since being diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder, I make a point to be as open as I can, just so people know "Hey. This is me. Don't like it? Fuck off, then."
Most people think we're either trying to be "fashionable", experiencing simple mood swings, or are completely off of our rockers. That is a sign of being uninformed or worse, ignorant. Since being diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder, I make a point to be as open as I can, just so people know "Hey. This is me. Don't like it? Fuck off, then."
Truly yours,
Brandi The Great
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